It’s cheffin’ great & I want seconds

DEEP, deep shouty behaviour at CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF the other night as Gregg Wallace suddenly roared:

"I don't like chewing the chorizo!"

Blimey. Calm down Greggy boy. No one ever suggested you did. Although, after seeing that flat beret/stripey scarf combo you wore for Wednesday's visit to the Ashes To Ashes set, I was starting to have my doubts.

Hell of an outfit, mate. Perhaps described most succinctly by my missus. Who, in her best Millwall voice, rightly pointed out you looked "a proper Gene Hunt."

Still, Gregg's homage to Bruno certainly gave a lift to the final week of Britain's best celebrity-infused cook-off.

Shock

A final week which brought a shock result, of sorts. Because Gregg and his fellow town cryer John Torode didn't go for Iwan Thomas - the cook who'd been on "the biggest journey".

They didn't even hand it to the comeback cook, Wendi Peters, who was trying to win it second time around George Sampson style.

Instead, just like last year, they went for the cook for whom they had the most, erm, passion.

So congratulations to professional Geordie Jayne Middlemiss. John Torode thinks "your flavours are bang on." (Which is pretty much what I said when I first saw your early Page 3 work.)

Dubious judging aside, it could be a life-changing victory for Wor Jayennne. Yes, she may have spent the last four weeks looking like Aunt Sally on HRT. But she's finally won a reality show worth the winning.

Which means those three successive years she spent hovering around the mid-70s in FHM's Hot 100 List a decade ago can now be relegated to second place on her CV.

But I must take issue with her claim that being on Masterchef was "the maddest thing I've ever done in my life."

Because crying like a baby on national TV after Lee Sharpe plumped for Abi Titmus on Celebrity Love Island will never be beaten. And nor should it be.

As for this series of Celeb Masterchef. Some have claimed it has gone on too long (Five weeks? Hardly Big Brother is it?). Some have complained that they're running out of celebrities.

Some have even said that Gregg and John's presenting style is overbearing, bordering on bullying. (Rack off, Grossman!) My answer? They clearly don't watch enough of it. Because, C4's Coach Trip aside, there is no more addictive show on television.

Yes, Thursday's plugs for Richard Branson's luxury Moroccan resort Kasbah Tamadot might have been a little over the top (although, given how non-rocking this Kasbah appeared to be, I can't imagine many potential holidaymakers would've been that tempted).

Scrabble

And yes, Torode claiming "we know Ninia Benjamin as a comedian" might have been news to most people.

But in a TV age where summer increasingly means scrabbling around for something decent to watch, I'll take a show like Celebrity Masterchef any day of the week. Cos it does exactly what it shouts on the tin.

So off you go on your hunt for fresh knitwear, Gregg. And off you go in your search for a hairdryer that works, John.

And we'll see you back here next year with the likes of "ex GMTV presenter Fiona Phillips" and "former Blue Peter host John Leslie".

One thing though, fellas.

When you give the big prize to the contestant with the most succulent breasts do us a favour, eh.

Let them be chicken for a change.

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