Celebrity Big Issue Brother

DAY 3 of BBC1's deeply patronising look at life on the streets, FAMOUS, RICH AND HOMELESS.

And that beardie bloke with the Day-Glo turbans who only ever seems to get work from the BBC was assessing his experience so far:

"I've just spent the evening with an alcoholic, marijuana-addicted rent boy."

Great training for a future career as a Tory MP, perhaps.

But poor old Hardeep Singh Kohli wasn't exactly feeling the moment. Or any of the moments he endured during his time on this show.

A show which was possibly an eye opener for some viewers. Particularly those who didn't watch the same channel's brilliant 2006 documentary Evicted.

And yes, looking at social issues is exactly what a public service broadcaster should be doing. Sadly, given the expenses scandal which (luckily for the BBC) broke the same day Jacko died, they could perhaps have timed it better.

Because there's nothing worse than being preached to about society's ills by an organisation which has probably just spent hundreds of pounds of public money on a crate of muffins for Chris Moyles.

As for the documentary itself, the main problem was the BBC couldn't decide whether it was a serious project or just another reality show for washed up Z-listers.

And when even the BBC begin to worry that viewers won't tune into a show unless it has some naff celebrity angle, you really have to fear for our nation's future.

Honestly, at times I was wondering why they didn't just call it Celebrity Big Issue Brother, Dancing On Fosters Ice, or I'm A Celebrity . . . Get Me Extra Strength Beer.

I swear if it had gone on any longer the narrator would have lapsed into "Day 12 under London Bridge, and Annabel Croft has woken up and smelled something a bit whiffy."

That publicity shot (right) didn't help either. They looked like they were lining up for some hobo-celebrity sack race. And appeared to have been dressed by the same stylist who looks after Mitchell & Webb's Sir Digby Chicken Caesar and Ginger.

As for those five contestants, you must take issue with the show's title. None of them is above the level of "it's that bloke/woman off . . ." and only Jamie Blandford could claim to be rich.

(And I bet his wealth is all tied up in property.) Which is why I actually laughed out loud when the narrator announced: "They can't use their celebrity status to make money."

Let's face it, when Bruce Jones made £16 from one day of begging that was real joy right there on his face. It's double the amount he usually commands after having left Corrie.

Of course, along with Rosie Boycott (that woman off newspapers), Bruce did have the unfair advantage of actually looking like he sleeps rough on a fairly regular basis. Annabel Croft, though, was a total waste of space.

Unnervingly able to cry at the drop of a woolly hat, and drippy enough to go around saying things like, "I have a lot of love." (Aye. I seem to remember she had a fair amount of "love" back when she was playing tennis as well.)

Blandford's stroppy walkout was funny but comedian/ journalist Hardeep was the real money shot. Miserable, whingeing and utterly lacking in empathy. And that was before the experiment started.

Still, I did have to laugh at him taking his turban off so people wouldn't recognise him. He should have just told a funny joke instead - that way people definitely wouldn't have thought it was him.

I think you're going to regret declaring you would gladly "work nine hours for £20" though, Hardeep.

Cos The Wright Stuff will never be off the phone now, mate.

FOOTNOTE. Queries. If Hardeep had eaten any of the rotten food he found in those bins would he have caught E-Kohli?

Is there any truth that the BBC are now planning to team up homeless people with celebrities and teach them how to tango in a new show called Strictly Bum Dancing?

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