Leave old Reggie dead & Perri-ed

EARLY thoughts on BBC1's Friday night remake of a 1970s classic, REGGIE PERRIN?

Well, I didn't get where I am today without knowing you would be expecting me to build a review around CJ's legendary, "I didn't get where I am today . . . " catchphrase.

So I won't. What I will I say is fair play to Martin Clunes. He promised this revival would be "entirely different" to the original 1970s masterpiece, and he was right.

It's not funny.

Perhaps not disastrous enough to have us all leaving our clothes behind on the beach or even paddling off to oblivion in a canoe just yet.

But you have to wonder whether there's been a bit of a cock-up in the commissioning department.

This show was surely doomed to mediocrity the minute they decided to revive most of the characters from the original, yet write brand-new scripts.

It's the same crazy kind of logic which only this week knocked the elastic out of Pants Man on The Apprentice.

I mean, surely they could have just written a brand-new sitcom about a mentally wobbling middle-aged bloke in a dead-end job without having to sully the name of the great Reginald Perrin.

Make no mistake, dear old Doc Martin has put on a great big pair of Dr Martens and stamped all over Leonard Rossiter's grave.

Fact is, they'd even have been better off revisiting Clunes' own comedy legend Gary from Men Behaving Badly.

The brief scenes in Gary's office were a hundred times funnier and more promising than anything in this Perrin revival's first episode.

The cold fact is, nothing here is any better than the original. And most of it is a lot worse.

Clunes will no doubt be renamed Leonard Tossiter for his crimes while Neil Stuke's take on Reggie's boss CJ can best be described as "more CJD."

But the person I feel most sorry for is Lucy Liemann, who has gone from being the best thing about one lame Friday night comedy (Moving Wallpaper) to being the only good thing about another.

An undoubted talent is Miss Liemann. She could even go on to become the next Emma Thompson. If she sacks her agent now.

Of course, Clunes and his pals with probably argue that not many people will remember the original, so comparisons don't matter.

Even if we ignore that fairly patronising attitude, the fact remains this show still failed to hit the comedy mark. Even with the "aid" of a strategic laugh track.

And as a central character this Reggie is so unlikeable and unreachable you'd happily shove him in front of the next 8.16 to Waterloo.

Accuse me of getting lost in nostalgia if you like Martin, but let's not forget Reggie's initials were R.I.P.

You and the BBC should have taken note of that. And respected the sentiments.

SHOCK news from BRITAIN'S GOT TALENT where, after bowing to makeover fever, Susan Boyle is now sporting 6in heels.

So, she's using Simon Cowell's cobbler, then.

Meanwhile Cowell's mob are still desperately trying to convince us Susan might not win.

Their latest effort? Ten-year-old Hollie Steel. 2007's Connie Talbot in a tutu.

She might sing like an angel but Cowell knows kids are more trouble than they're worth. Damned child labour laws.

Elsewhere, gold-toothed DJ Talent was noteworthy mainly for the fact he has possibly spent even more on dental work than Cowell.

But I liked the look of drag act Tia Anna who revealed: "I put in hours and hours of work for what will be just three or four minutes." (Which is basically what Piers Morgan does every time he's out on the pull.)

Not much you can say about about nurse Claire Morton. Apart from: When she sings "Fame! I'm gonna live forever" on the wards, do patients sigh, "Well, I hope I bloody don't"?

Still, you had to laugh at Cowell's reasoning for why the audience loved Claire so much: "This is not the most discerning audience we've ever had."

Simon, Simon, Simon.

If discerning audiences were the norm you'd never have sold a single record, son.

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