EVICTION night at BB9 and time for Lisa Chappleton to share her thoughts on the journey: “It was like a movie.”

Sadly, she didn’t say which one. But, in tribute to the combined talents of the housemates and C4, most of the early money has been on The Great Muppet Caper.

Me? I’m going for the one film which sums up the worst BB series ever. Groundhog Day.

Racism, sexism, bullying, Ofcom complaints. On a loop for twelve sodding weeks.

Punctuated by two or three classic tasks.

Disgraced by some hateful little Scottish oik turning the show into Big Flobber by spitting in a housemate’s face.

And, potentially, only memorable for the emergence of Britain’s newest celebrity couple. Lisa and Mario.

The Katie & Peter of Royston Vasey. And the rightful joint winners of BB9.

But, as Lemar so rightly said, there’s not much justice in the world. And L&M now face an anxious wait to see if the expected battle for their wedding rights between Living TV, Wedding TV and Readers Wives: 40 Plus comes to anything.

Funny thing is, I genuinely hope it does. Because for the first time in years (well, the first time ever) my curiosity with a housemate hasn’t been satisfied.

And that fascination increased when Lisa, possibly worried that it might take C4 a while to return her suitcase, appeared to be sporting all her clothes and make-up in one outfit as she left the house.

A fabulous ensemble. Yet still nothing on the fashion crimes committed this series by Davina McCall. The Devil Wears Prada Bin Bags.

It says something about the state of BB that Davina’s outfits are the only thing to look forward to on eviction night.

She never fails to get something wrong. If it isn’t the dress, it’s the hair. If it isn’t the hair, it’s the dress. And if it isn’t the dress or the hair it’s the dress AND the hair.

But it’s her current penchant for all things black bin bag which puzzles me the most. Is she trying to send a subtle message (I know, Davina McCall and subtle) that she thinks this series has been rubbish?

Like she needed to bother. Fact is, I care even less who wins this year than ever before. And I’m not alone. Even the one newspaper which still thought this show was important has given up.

Their front page yesterday? BB Lisa: The Truth About My Sex Swap. And what was Lisa’s “truth”? “Of course I haven’t had a sex swap.”

At times, I worry my indifference comes from my being too old for BB. But, hang on, Davina’s even older than me and she LOVES it. No really, she does. Watches every minute on the live feed, honest. Why, she’s even presenting Big Mouth this week just to prove her dedication to the cause.

Give it up, Davina. Big Brother is, at best, one year away from a trip to a Swiss clinic for a special injection.

Just enough time for one more celebrity version and one more round of racism, sexism, bullying, Ofcom complaints.

Then we can turn the lights off, lock the door and take out the trash.

Now, if only someone had some spare bin bags . . .

CELEBRITY SPOT. Best Of British 2008 host Piers Morgan has told how he was trapped in a sudden hailstone storm in London the other day and had to seek sanctuary in a nearby cake shop for 20 minutes.

NB. I’m told the cake shop in question is now closed until further notice. For restocking.

KEELEY Hawes in Life On Mars? Back to the 80s.

Keeley Hawes in BBC1’s new “comedy” drama MUTUAL FRIENDS? Back to the drawing board.

BBC2 QUERY. As THE HAIRY BAKERS will be cooking up all manner of freshly filled pastries on tomorrow night’s show should it not have a slight name change? The Hairy Pie Bakers.

Give us a peak

GREAT news for any TV fan still reeling from The Fiona Phillips Bombshell. STRICTLY COME DANCING is back in two weeks.

Just what I’ve been waiting for. A good, honest, gimmick-free Saturday night talent show which holds your attention for a full 90 minutes.

Things I’m already looking forward to?

THE ONE SHOW’s frosty-eyed fame-chaser Christine Bleakley quickly becoming this year’s Gabby Logan.

The time it takes Lisa Snowdon (below) to mention her “ex-boyfriend” George Clooney. (Do me a fiver on 2 minutes 30).

Len Goodman doing a Craig Revel Horwood rent boy joke within the first ten minutes of the opening live show.

Darren Bennett’s back demanding to know why it’s been lumbered with an overweight, over-orange former EastEnders actress for the second year running.

One of the judges telling one-time coke dealer Jodie Kidd her “lines” are all over the place.

Newly tubby Phil Daniels admitting he’s only taking part because someone shouted at him in the street, “Who’s that gut lord marching? You should cut down on your porklife, mate. Get some exercise!”

Plus, Bruce Forsyth and Andrew “For Fiona” Castle engaging in a weekly two-way “whose hair will move first?” stand-off.

But the thing I’m most looking forward to? Easy.

The crestfallen look on randy Brendan Cole’s face when someone explains to him that “Mount Snowdon” is a peak in Wales.

Not his mission for the next three months.

It's Tel Wigon

ACCORDING to Terry Wogan, PERFECT RECALL is the quiz where “the questions keep changing, the answer remains the same.”

For example, you might ask these different questions: “What is that on Terry’s head?”, “How come Terry’s hairstyle hasn’t changed in 20 years?” or “Why doesn’t Terry’s hair ever move when he does?”

And in each case the answer would be the same. “It’s a wig.”

SHOCK behind the scenes at EMMERDALE after it emerged Doug is about to catch an STI.

But it’s the actor who plays him I feel sorry for.

Apparently when the producers told him Doug might end up with Chlamydia he assumed there was some sexy new Dingle joining the show.

Push the boat out

EASTENDERS queries. Should the new comedy trio of Minty, Garry and Bobby Davro be called The Three Hamigos?

Did Heather have the right idea on Thursday when she went to watch CSI instead of sitting through Shirley’s utterly random pre-wedding lecture to Dawn?

How long will it be before the writers quietly retire Minty’s boat?

And, most importantly, if Honey takes the kids with her when she dumps Billy will we have to assume the BBC merely exploited a kid with Down’s Syndrome for the sake of a sensationalist storyline? Cos I can’t believe they’d ever do that.

THOSE Fiona Phillips tributes are fair trickling in. This from her GMTV boss: “She’ll be a hard act to follow.”

To be honest mate, I always had trouble following her.

Meanwhile Fiona has revealed the reason why she’s off: “My children ask me every night, ‘Are you working tomorrow?’ If I say yes they groan.”

Aye. Along with a million or so viewers.

Splash of vinegar

TO SKY SPORTS NEWS on Thursday for the draw for something called “The Waffer Champions League”.

During which Cristiano Ronaldo cracked up on stage like a third former whose mates are making schoolboy gestures in assembly.

And a scaredy-cat cameraman was somewhat reluctant to do a close-up of Alex Ferguson as Chelsea won three of the four best player awards for last season. (A curious result, although I’d certainly have given one to John Terry for that penalty alone.) But the best thing about the whole evening was our cute hostess Melanie Winiger who, thanks to the German habit of pronouncing a W as a V, was introduced as “Melanie Vinegar”.

A giddying state of affairs which could only have been heightened by one thing.

If her brother was called Zoltan.

ITV2 QUERY. Given some of the Z-list goons lining up to take part in CELEBAIR, will passengers have to pay a “fool surcharge”?