AMAZING scenes from RICHARD & JUDY's farewell week, as an emotional Dickie vehemently denied a member of the family had a drink problem.

Even more amazing? It wasn't the family member you might have been expecting.

Just some story about their son trying to blag an under-age beer in America.

Most disappointing, I'm sure you'll agree. But not nearly as much of a letdown as R&J's Friday finale.

For, if you really can define a man by who turns up at his funeral, R&J must be wishing they'd phoned in sick.

Because it wasn't much of a line-up. Their "great friends" Ricky Gervais, David Walliams and Matt Lucas must have been away filming. Tony and Cherie were obviously stuck in Beijing.

Thirsty

And there wasn't even a live phone call from their old mate George Michael (although, to be fair, the mobile reception on Hampstead Heath is terrible).

Instead? Video messages. From Lenny Henry and Amanda Holden.

Yes, video. Blimey-when you can't entice Lenny Henry into the studio you know it's over.

But wait. There were some live guests on that sofa. Various thirsty journalists, a p***-poor Pierce Brosnan lookalike in bright red socks AND Vanessa Feltz.

So that's Vanessa who'd turn up to the opening of a cheesecake, and some hacks with too much spare time on their hands (and even more ass on their lips) who probably only showed up for the free bar at the aftershow party.

(To be fair, that may have helped Judy spring out of bed slightly more eagerly on Friday morning as well.)

Funny thing is, I actually felt a bit sorry for our hosts. Because daytime TV legends deserve better.

And while the only thing I'll probably miss about their C4 show is Judy's huge hangover shades in the opening credits, it will be weird not having these two on my telly.

Let's face it, even the most rampant R&J fan must surely accept that the new satellite channel they are fronting, Watch, will be quickly renamed Don't Watch. And however much they talk it up it's still Alan Partridge going to Radio Norwich.

But having burnt more bridges than retreating Russian troops, where else could they go? Sadly, it looks like there'll be no place for Judy on mainstream telly until Nicky Hambleton-Jones renames her show 20 Years Younger.

And Dickie's yearning to be taken seriously as a journalist will always deny I'm A Celebrity their greatest ever booking. (I know, it's such a pity that will never happen, isn't it? Or him going on I'm A Celeb).

So RIP R&J it is.

And as a final tribute let's hear once more a fine example of the esteem in which they are held by the GBP.

Here's "Blue" from Richmond who, given the chance to ask them absolutely anything on their final show's Q&A session, plumped for: "Did you have sex on your first date?"

Blue, Blue, Blue-don't be so silly, son.

They might have woken Judy's husband up.

FOOTNOTE. When roving reporter Mike McClean claimed his abiding memory of his time on the show was "being buried in a box in Amsterdam" was he recalling an onscreen report?

Or the cameraman's stag weekend?

ANOTHER brilliant WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE as Boris Johnson revealed his great grandmother was known as "Granny Butter". Sounds more like a specialist mag Wayne Rooney might subscribe to.

Boris then traced his ancestry back to George II (sadly, no firm word on whether his madness can be traced back to George III).

Then he revealed his motives for taking part in the programme: "We don't know where we've come from. We don't know where we going."

Spoken like a true Tory.

• TV QUERY. If ITV2 can provide Billie Piper with a bum double and a boobs double for SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL, why can't they do us a favour and get her an acting double too?
• BIG BROTHER query. If Mario does return to the house today to propose to Lisa will she say "OK!"? Or has he already sorted a deal with Hello!?
• STRICTLY COME DANCING query. Will the Cha Cha Cha be renamed the Cha Cha Cha Lady in honour of the only other career option left open to Jessie Wallace before she signed up?

Sulky Simon

OH dear. Seems I've finally pushed Simon Cowell over the edge.

The Suntan Of Spin didn't like last Sunday's X FACTOR review one bit. It appears he feels bullied.

Or, as he no doubt puts it, "Bigger boy call me namey wames."

Yes, that's right. The man who was perfectly happy for a fat family to be accompanied by The Flumps theme tune last year thinks personal comments are not on. Fact.

The upshot being? I don't have the likability factor.

And HQ won't send me any more preview copies of the show until I start being nice about him. Incredible isn't it?

The man's finally got too big for his boots (no mean feat when you consider the height of those stacked heels.)

What's he gonna do next? Get his new henchwoman Biffa Cole to give me a slap in the unisex bogs?

Forget Chairman Mao, despot fans. Cos the megalomaniac regime of Chairman Cowell (above) would appear far more terrifying.

Simon, son, you need to make like your teeth and lighten the feck up.

Failing that, how about leaving me alone and picking on someone your own size?

Brad's a laugh

MORE fun at BBC2's MAESTRO where Bradley Walsh did a passable (and, hopefully, intentional) impression of Norman Wisdom's classic conducting scene from One Good Turn.

Plus, Katie Derham's mentor kept imploring her to "sit on it!" (It's a musical term apparently). And Clive Anderson advised Sue Perkins to "take up conducting, give up comedy". (Must say, I wholeheartedly agree with one of those suggestions.)

But quote of the night was from judge Simone Young to Jane Asher: "You are a brilliant, competent woman and I can't imagine you doing anything that, in the end, you don't do really well."

She obviously never saw the last series of Crossroads . . .

Happy pills...

UNUSUALLY watchable week at EASTENDERS where Phil Mitchell's deftness in calling Garry and Minty "Bert and Ernie" almost secured a spot in TV Joy.

Elsewhere, Lucy Beale (below) decided to go on the pill at 14, drawing this response from Ian: "At 14 I was running around collecting conkers!" (To be fair, Ian, Lucy kind of has conkers in mind too.)

Stacey revealed her stall stocks knickers from "size zero through to jumbo" (so Pat and Mo are sorted then). And Jane suggested that Ian losing the university catering contract was "karma" after he'd ruined Zainab's homemade curry business.

Sadly, at this point the writers failed to have anyone asking Jane whether it was "chicken tikka karma."

And that's why EastEnders rarely rises above watchable.

TV joy

HOLLY Willoughby combining her brain with her wongs to reignite THE XTRA FACTOR.

Barry from EastEnders turning up in THE BILL still wearing Barry from EastEnders' leather jacket.

And BBC1's Olympics team, who recovered swiftly from their dreadful opening ceremony (Confucius say: "Huw Edwards, shut bloody up.") to bring us two weeks of wonder.

Special highlights? Perky Hazel Irvine's daily dose of breakfast sunshine. Commentary box king Michael Johnson proving he'll always be The Man.

And the most unkind onscreen caption you'll ever see: "Sue Barker, Bird's Nest." (Bit harsh, I thought her hair looked lovely for once.)

Sadly, the Games ended on somewhat of a downer when four show-jumping horses failed a dope test.

Of course, it's not the first time four horses have all tested positive at once. As that HRT man who did a spot-check at LOOSE WOMEN earlier this year will testify.

FOOTNOTE. No Olympic smutty names this week but I have just discovered what the Chinese for Adrian Chiles is: Him Gon Fat.