Phew! Present danger is over

WELL done you. Yes, you! You're reading this so you must have survived Christmas.

I survived - just about. I don't know what's worse, buying the gifts or opening them.

Everyone seemed to like their presents, I think. My Nan loved hers, well so she should. Do you know how hard it is to wrap up a walk-in bath?

The taps kept popping through the crepe paper.

I got a few humdingers of presents. The History Of Lancashire County Cricket, anyone? No, not just the book, an accompanying DVD of it just in case I couldn't read.

No offence to the people who bought it, but I'm more of a scented candle guy myself.

You do worry what people think about you from what gifts you receive.

Let's be honest, no one wants to open an exercise DVD Christmas morning, do they? I got paranoid last Christmas when I got a satnav - what are you trying to say? "Sod off?"

Some of the presents I got genuinely worried me a bit, like a green poncho, a toilet brush, a pair of waders and some reinforced mens' support knickers.

I didn't know whether to drop them off at Oxfam or wear all of them and become a Lady Gaga tribute act.

I also got some presents for my new arrival coming in 2010. No, I'm not pregnant before you start oohing and aahing at my bloated stomach (it's yule log - not twins). I'm getting a dog in a week's time.

Well, it was either a puppy or adopting a child and after getting gazumped by Madonna last year in the Malawi Boxing Day sales. I thought a four-legged friend would be more me.

But when did buying a dog get so expensive? I couldn't believe the cost of the accessories. They were so pricey and so extravagant. I ask you - do dogs really need a hat box?

And when I saw the cost of a fake fur canine gilet I nearly had to use the diamante Faberge poop-a-scoop on myself.

Envy

Now I don't want to sound like an old person, but when I was a kid our dog was happy to get a box and a bone.

These days you're made to feel a bad parent if it's not wearing a bonnet and enrolled at the Cheltenham Ladies' College. Please don't get me started on where to put the blooming dog either - I actually got kennel envy.

Yes, on the internet I saw a two-storey three-bedroomed kennel with underfloor heating - I kid you not.

Forget Crufts. I'm entering him for Cribs. It's pretty much a sign you've got more money than you know what to do with it when your dog can sublet a room in his kennel.

Anyway, I'm very excited. And before I get any letters, I am fully aware that a dog is for life and not just for Christmas, and that we should all spare a thought for the animals that are abandoned over the Christmas period.

As the woman in the shop warned me: "These days pets get replaced for newer models in the blink of an eye."

I thought to myself: "It's a red setter love, not a member of the Sugababes".

SICK of people taking your unwanted presents back to the shops? Then do what I do. Give them a present they'll never take back - Woolworths vouchers.

______

GENIE OF THE CAMP

I HOPE Pamela Anderson has had an absolutely brilliant time in Aladdin. It's her last night tonight at the Wimbledon Theatre.

I know a few theatre snobs wanted her to fall flat on her face. (What? With those breasts?)

But can you think of anyone else who would fit in with all the double entendres, cross-dressing and lamp rubbing?

Well okay, apart from me. But I think Pammie as the genie is a genius bit of casting.

Yes, she will probably have to put up with some bitchy old drunken queens, wobbly sets and wooden acting. But then again, throw in a shark attack and you've got an episode of Baywatch.

To be honest though, compared to some of her telly storylines (squid attacks, nuclear bombs, tidal waves) Aladdin must seem like Taggart to Pamela.

So I'm telling everyone to be proud of our theatrical heritage and support our local theatres. Go and see a pantomime this winter! Stop being so snobby.

Pamela Anderson is helping to put a smile on all the little boys' and girls' faces (and also on some of the older men in the trench coats sitting by themselves clapping with one hand) and for that we should be thankful.

You never know, we might get more celebrities sprinkling a bit of stardust over our regional theatres.

Who knows, next year we might see Tiger Woods as King Rat, Heather Mills McCartney in Puss In Boot and the BNP's Nick Griffin as Dick - now that would be worth seeing!

______

PURITY ON SPEC

ONE of the Jonas Brothers (I don't know which one - sorry, I'm not 12) has been spotted on his honeymoon with his new bride.

At last he can get rid of that damn "purity" ring and get on with doing the deed.

When I was younger I didn't need to wear a purity ring to show I wasn't having sex.

I was old school - I just had a brace and National Health spectacles.

______

IT'S DEAR ON STAGS

MARRIAGE is becoming too expensive, the Tories warned this week.

Soon brides and grooms-to-be won't be able to afford their weddings.

Well I've got news for you, it's pretty damn expensive for the people going to them too.

I know it's their big day and they want everything perfect and classy but if you choose to have a hen/stag night that lasts all week, then surprise, surprise, the cost will go up.

I've been on stag nights that have lasted longer than the actual marriage. Paintballing, off-roading, pole-dancing, followed by a budget airline trip to Prague and then wine- tasting. And that's just the itinerary for the Monday morning.

I came back from my mate's stag do £1,500 poorer but with an NVQ in hairdressing.

It's enough to make you reminisce about the good old days of being handcuffed to a WPC in Leicester Square or being cling-filmed naked to a lamppost in Whitley Bay. Ahh memories! Now that was classy.

WHO is downloading that Rage Against The Machine song? If you want to hear grumpy people shouting obscenities you should call Eurostar Customer Services and save yourself 79p.

______

BRANGELINA

ANGELINA Jolie says she doesn't believe in fidelity and that her and Brad are not "chained together".

Oh dear, I hope they're not splitting up - it's hard enough divvying up the CDs after a nasty split, let alone 26 children. "Now Brad, who bought the Korean one?"

"I remember buying two of the Russian ones, Angelina."

Brad says he's hoping he finds fulfilment in 2010. I'm hoping he finds a razor.

Ugh! Sort it out. His beard looks like an Ewok's armpit.

______

MY AULD LANG SIN

WHILE the whole world and its dog is telling us to drink responsibly over the New Year, may I remind you to stock up on your hangover cures.

January 1 is never a pretty sight. Well, it wasn't for me last year. I got so bladdered I lost my glasses and ended up chatting up a patio heater.

I tried to snog it and ended up with Leslie Ash lips. To be fair it wasn't totally my fault - someone had tied a sombrero to the back of it.

If you ask me New Year's Eve is always a letdown - no taxis, everywhere packed, extortionate alcohol prices, and then a drunken snog with a freak to see in the New Year.

God, and then they wonder why we drink in the first place.

______

OBAMA

THE more I hear about that Obama bloke, the more I like him.

I find out this week that he made a prank call to a radio station for a laugh - what a guy!

I can't help thinking if Gordon Brown did a few wedgies now and then he might be a bit more popular in the polls.

______

SUN, SI & SAND

SEEING photos of Simon Cowell in Barbados made me drool this week.

Not because he had his manboobs out.

No, I'm jealous because I'm sick of this grim weather and desperate for a bit of sun.

Don't you think I'd love to be on a sun lounger dripping in Piz Buin with a Calippo and Sinitta serving me an ice cold mojito? Ooh, yes.

The only positive about this minus 6 chill is the effect it has on my face. It's instant Botox.

I dropped a decade over night - someone asked me if I was doing my GCSEs last Thursday and when I went to buy alcohol they asked me for ID.

How cool is that?

Although to be fair it might have been my Hannah Montana moonboots and SpongeBob Squarepants Earmuffs.

______

WINEHOUSE

AMY WINEHOUSE has been charged with common assault after an alleged attack in a theatre.

Details are still a bit sketchy but I can confirm that the incident didn't happen after the woman in the seat behind Amy in the theatre asked her if she could remove her beehive.

* ALAN has donated his fee for this column to the Help for Heroes campaign. Alan Carr: Chatty Man New Year Special is on Channel 4 on Tuesday December 29 at 10.20pm.

This article has 0 comments