Gord helps cook Wossie's goose
EMBARRASSING middle-aged tomfoolery at FRIDAY NIGHT WITH JONATHAN ROSS as Ross and Gordon Ramsay tried to build a five-foot tower of poppadoms.
Result?
The messiest, most spectacular collapse Ramsay's seen since his career, businesses and personal life went belly up in the space of six months.
Not that you would have heard anything about that in this, Ramsay's first major interview since his luck ran out.
Because in a slick PR whitewash which would make even Max Clifford go "man, that's some slick PR whitewashing right there" Ross managed to gloss over Ramsay's troubles.
And ended up giving him the easiest ride he's had since those hotel transgressions with that blonde sort last year.
Closed
You see, Ramsay's businesses are doing fine, thank you very much. He's merely "scaled down" and "consolidated".
This from the man who's closed restaurants faster than salmonella. And who, at one point, looked like he might have to consolidate all his eateries into one easy-to-manage burger van.
His marriage is okay as well. In fact he and the family are spending this Christmas with the Beckhams (hmmm, sounds more like a punishment to me).
As for his TV career (Kitchen Nightmares axed, F Word dumped in a graveyard slot) barely a mention.
Save for Ross's claim that Ramsay is in the "biggest reality show on American TV." (Presumably he forgot to add "which features Gordon Ramsay").
Really, JR? Cos from where I'm sitting the only way Ramsay could be on the biggest reality show anywhere is if he follows Gino D'Acampo into the jungle next year.
(Not a bad idea as it goes. I mean, Ramsay could at least replace any lost Michelin stars with Bushtucker Trial stars. Plus, if he's in there we might actually get some jungle lovin' for once.)
Of course, some people will say, "So what? I'd rather watch Gordy and Wossy tease each other about their weight of a Friday night."
Not me. If a celebrity comes on a show to plug his latest cash-in cook book I want something in return.
I certainly don't want two grown men haring round a TV studio throwing flour bombs at each other.
Utterly cringe-making. If you thought Ross's faux chumminess with Peter Kay last week was bad, I urge you to avoid any footage of this. It will have you yearning for the return of That Antony Cotton Show.
Wind-up
I wouldn't mind, but it's exactly the kind of thing which is turning Ross into a showbiz caricature. I swear, 20 years ago he'd have been out playing golf with Tarbie, Brucie and Lennie Bennett.
Of course, we must not deny he is one of the finest broadcasters this country has ever produced. But like Brucie (and unlike Terry Wogan) he's so wound up in his own ego he can't see that it's nearly time to go. And clearly no one around him has the balls to spell it out.
He must be feeling the hot breath of Graham Norton's brilliant Monday night show on his neck by now.
And surely someone in his production company has been brave enough to mention Alan Carr seems to have got his Chatty Man act together second time around.
Let's face it, if Paul O'Grady can successfully recreate some Des O'Connor Tonight magic when he moves to ITV on Friday nights next year, Ross could be in real trouble.
Still, he can take some comfort from the fact that he'll never experience the year Ramsay has had.
And judging by poor Gordy's face on Friday it's a year which has just got worse. Cos, crazily, he's been taking plastic surgery advice from Simon Cowell.
Sure, he may claim he's only had a couple of chin lines filled in. But I would argue the cheeks, the eyebrows, the teeth and the forehead require closer examination.
It's a truly shocking transformation. From certain angles his face now resembles a big lump of reformed pork meat.
Which leaves me with no alternative but to bestow upon him a new showbiz nickname.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Mr Gordon Spamsay.
* NAME Change update. Last Sunday I predicted BBC1's new circus sitcom BIG TOP would be quickly rechristened Big Flop (which it duly was).
But having actually watched it I now have another, more descriptive, alternative.
Big Plop.
* You can read Ian Hyland's previous News of the World columns by clicking here .
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