FEBRUARY 2009. And, if reports are to be believed, millions of cash-strapped Brits are pulling out their own teeth to avoid sky- high dental fees.

Credit crunch, my backside.

They're just TV viewers. On a mission to discover if there's anything more painful than sitting through a week's worth of EASTENDERS.

And after this week I have one thing to say. Hand me those pliers and strap me in.

Cos the young guns in the writing office decided it was time for a little light relief. And what did they give us?

Carry On Stalking!

In which Walford's very own Thelma and Louise, Heather and Shirley, embarked on a bizarre mission to hunt down George Michael at his leafy mansion.

Ludicrous

Talk about wake me up before I go go crazy. A ridiculous, toe-curling, laughter-free and (almost) week-long trial by television, this was.

Made all the more ludicrous by the fact that Pepsi Max and Shirley went on a marathon five-bus journey to find him.

Instead of just nipping up to Hamsptead Heath at midnight with a torch and a bag of Scooby Snacks.

And, of course, when they finally arrived it wasn't even George Michael's mansion.

A fact which Heather (Father Christmas Figure) should have realised the minute she got to his bins and didn't find Geri Halliwell foraging for discarded chocolate cake.

But then, Heather isn't really that big a George Michael afficionado.

Cos there's a certain little something about him which the poor girl seems to have overlooked.

Let's see if we can help fill in the gaps for her.

"He's a little bit colour blind." Yes, Heather. And he's infamously gay.

"He's left-handed." Yes, Heather. And he's infamously gay.

"He watches a lot of telly." Yes, Heather. And he's infamously gay.

"He's got two older sisters." Yes, Heather. And he's infamously . . oh what's the point?!

Listen Heather, let's just say I reckon George never guesses it would be nice if he could touch ya body.

And it's doubtful whether he'll be such a big EastEnders fan after this storyline either.

Because, let's not forget, George was also famously the victim of a terrifying stalker who broke into his house and hid under his floorboards for the best part of a week.

Promise

And I'm afraid the counter argument, "well that's okay cos Heather's too fat to fit under his floorboards," cuts no ice with me.

As for the week ending with Shirley booking Heather a male escort for the night? Well really, that's just taking the George Michael obsession a bit too far.

But the EastEnders lot could probably smooth things over with George. If they turn a different corner and promise never to try comedy again.

Harsh truth is they always fail to raise a smile.

The only time I can remember laughing out loud during the last few years was when Phil Mitchell fell spectacularly off the wagon and headfirst into Janet's birthday cake. And I'm not even sure that was meant to be funny.

Still, I am certain about one thing - the week's last remaining mystery. Why was Heather all over the place on the dancefloor the night after the stalking incident?

Well, it's obvious really. She was still carrying the yoghurt top she'd stolen from George's wheelie bin, wasn't she?

Everyone knows guilty feet have got no rhythm.

FOOTNOTE. Heather's all-time George Michael Top 5?

1. Last Christmas Pudding.

2. Fastfood.

3. Let's Go Outsize.

4. Gotta Have Cake, Cake, Cake.

5. Make it Bigger.

EASTENDERSquery. Re Ricky taking a DNA test to find out whether he is Tiffany's father. Considering she was conceived in Manchester it might be worth popping up to Coronation Street and running a swab round Papa Windass's gums.

Lookswise, he's a much safer bet than Ricky could ever be.

QUERY re C4's 10 YEARS YOUNGER: THE CHALLENGE. Is the challenge being able to sit through an entire hour of Myleene Klass pretending to be a girls' girl?

If so, put me down as a fail.

Piers on hit list

PIERS MORGAN ON . . . HOLLYWOOD (Bellend in Bel Air).

A follow-up to last week's trip to Monaco (The Man Who Broke The Scales At Monte Carlo?), with Piers driving around LA looking for the Brits who are currently taking Tinseltown by storm.

Sadly, Gordon Ramsay, Simon Cowell, Hugh Laurie and Daniel Craig were presumably too busy.

So we had to make do with Matt Goss from Bros, Vinnie Jones, some kid off Hollyoaks, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman and, um, Lady Victoria Hervey (right). Hardly what anyone would call an "uber" line-up. Well, anyone but Piers.

But enough of my views. Cos two weeks ago I asked you to tell me what you'd like to see Piers Morgan "on" next. And you haven't let me down. Here's the pick of a very large bunch:

On The Edge Of A Cliff Tied To A Rope Whose Other End Has Just Gone Over The Edge Attached To Eamonn Holmes.

On The Stock Exchange.

On Remand/Death Row/The Electric Chair

On The Bottom Bunk In Boy George's Cell.

On His Knees Begging Simon Cowell Not To Give His America's Got Talent Job To A US Rapper (alarmingly specific that one.)

On Conscious (uber subtle).

On A One-Way Flight To The Moon.

On The Game (well, he's sold his soul, so why not his body as well?)

On The End Of Jeremy Clarkson's Fist Again.

But the winner? No contest. This simple plea from Jamie in Durham who'd like to see Piers Morgan On . . . Less.

The one and half million or so viewers who have deserted Piers in the space of three weeks appear to agree, Jamie.

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